Hey guys! So, I’ve been away swinging through the trees with 100 Monkeys! They’re on tour, promoting their “Liquid Zoo” Album [So run out to Best Buy and pick it up, order it online, or GO TO A SHOW! - and why yes I will shamelessly plug them every chance I get, so suck on that!] and I’ve been fortunate enough that I’ve seen several performances lately. I hadn’t been to any in over a year before this started and I think I missed those guys *wink* you know, just a little. 
I digress… So, out there on the long stretches of asphalt, between the hotels, Jack, champagne, fast food, late night shout along with the radio moments – you realize things. Now, if you’re expecting something profound from this post, well, you’ve come to the wrong spot. I assure you. While I CAN be profound, this isn’t it.
Now, without further bullshittery I shall press on and try to entertain you.
10.] You will spend at least 3 hours, in a 4 hour trip complaining that the people from [insert city that you are visiting] cannot drive. Since YOU are the ONLY person who can manage to drive as if you have any sense. No, it doesn’t matter if you weave in and out of traffic cutting people off, because they deserve it for not knowing how to drive. So, you see, all those other drivers should be accommodating you. Don’t say you don’t do it, we all do. lol
9.] Technology is a wonderful thing, the GPS on my phone can be a real life saver, BUT and this is a huge BUT, sometimes it forgets it’s supposed to be smarter than I am and takes me in circles, squares, and only permits me to make left hand turns.
8.] You will pass the possibility of 100 restrooms and never have to go, but the minute you are in the middle of nowhere, without a facility to be found, your bladder is about to burst. You have to go RIGHT. STAT. YESTERDAY.
7.] People must think that nobody can see them when they’re in their car. As if their windows are one way mirrors. I lost count of how many people I saw picking their noses. Seriously? Man, they’re called tissues please utilize them.
6.] The hashtag #infamousquotes has become imperative because of phrases such as “Suck it, suck it, suck it!” [Courtesy of me, to Jewelz, after I tried poking her McDonald's sweet tea with a straw and the beverage decided to leak from the lid].
5.] 20 questions can start out innocently enough, but almost always makes it’s way around to sex. So then you can wile away hours on this topic, miles will pass, and you will never be bored. Which leads me to number 4 …
4.] I never knew that measuring tape ,web cams, and auto-erotica (self pleasure) could be synonymous – until I was told a story, and now I’ll never be able to look at a measuring device of any sort or a web cam, without guffawing. Loudly.
3.] No matter how much I believe I want to participate in a form of physically gratifying release since it has been forever for me – if it isn’t the right person wanting to join in the festivities, I’ll handle business on my own thanks … [I'm stubborn and don't just give away the goods to anyone, in short, I'm a prude unless I really, really want you.]
2.] Saying “No thank you” to the aforementioned offers, in guy speak, must mean “Please try harder and piss me off, because I love being hit on by belligerent jerks, it makes me hot.”
And the NUMBER ONE THING I HAVE REALIZED LATELY …
1.] My “Girls” {*whispers* breasts} are Rock stars. They even have their own stalkers. All of this time, I thought that when guys complimented my dancing, it was because they thought I could dance. Apparently, it’s because my boobs can rock harder than myself. In ten days, give or take, I have been asked “Are they real?” … “Can I touch them?” … I’ve been told, as the man looks at my chest “I love your dancing!” [this was by a guy employed at the Venue we were at, and then he proceeded to try to hit on me. No thanks, guy.] It’s not like this is new behavior, but I figure, at some point, someone should have tact. Right? Hell, if I like you, or if we’re friends, feel free to harass me endlessly about it – but perfect strangers? Please keep your wits about you, they’re JUST breasts for pity’s sake.
I’m sure there are plenty more that I’ve missed and failed to report, but that’s okay, because I can always revisit this and make more TOP TENS.
Through all the realizations, moments, lessons in the last week – The important thing is that I’ve had the chance to be around great people whom I hold very dear – those who entertain from the stage, and those who entertain from the crowd. I love them all, and wouldn’t trade them for the world. Regardless of the things I may or may not experience.
In the words of Jerry Springer “Take care of yourselves, and each other.”
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